Monday, September 18, 2006

Dumb Southerners Who Can't Figure Out the Subway 101

Few things in life intimidate me… not Donald Trump… not crazy drunk pimps on the corner...

But the NYC Subway is straight-up impossible. I really can't figure it out, and I fancy myself quite the savant/genius. I know there are about 3 million idiots who manage to ride the silly thing every day with ease, but I'm like HUH? Have you ever looked at one of these ridiculous maps? The ACE is three lines, or is it one? The red 123 only stops at certain places and be sure you don't get on an express train or you'll end up in Long Island... or worse. And where do they all connect? Seems like NYU should offer a class - Dumb Southerners Who Can't Figure Out the Subway 101.

I'm a bit ashamed to say I think France actually got one thing right… their Metro system is easy (though notoriously malodorous in the summer.) It took all of deux minutes to figure it out when I studied abroad in Paris, and now in NYC I'm confined to locations within walking distance. At least I live in a good neighborhood with lovely bodegas, Tasty Delight and pizza of all kinds nearby… who needs the stank subway?

Which brings me to my next point - if Carrie Bradshaw were a real person, she would have had to have had prosthetic/bionic feet. There is no way any human being with normal feet could prance around Manhattan in Manolo Blahniks without incurring horrific foot distress. Do you want to know what my feet look like right now? Like I landed feet first in a snakepit/ant hill/weed whacker. It's not pretty. I know that's na-r-sty, but seriously, I don't have one pair of shoes that doesn't hurt some part of my tootsies when walking… even my flip-flops hurt. My precious, Floridian flip-flops that I'll only be able to wear for a few more weeks… before I have to start sporting Uggs and galoshes. Gag-fest. My tennis shoes hurt, my sparkly Skechers hurt… I've already gone through an entire box of Bandaids… I never once saw the fabulous Carrie Bradshaw nursing a blister, or buying ANOTHER box of Bandaids from Duane Reed. I was lured here under false pretenses!!!!

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