Monday, February 26, 2007

February Guest Blog - Wrap Up

I know everyone's been waiting on Antoinette's final guest blog installment/update on the jailbird fella from last week... so without further adieu.... Heeeeeeere's Annie!

I've decided to title my memoirs "Parade of Losers".

I'm sure everyone's been on pins and needles all weekend waiting to find out what happened with Kigi (or the "Sexual Scorpio", as he has been dubbed). I know it will be the topic of Monday Morning Water Cooler banter. Maybe some of you even created an office pool.

What do you think happened on Sunday?*
a) I show up for the date and he has his 6 year old son with him, because it's his weekend to watch him.
b) The date was rather boring in comparison to the events of last weekend
c) He didn't show up
d) He text messaged me from cell block C saying that he would like to reschedule for 7-10 years.

*Answer at the bottom of this email

So, Saturday was Nini's bachelorette party and we went to a club. Before the night began, I predicted that at least one guy would ask for my number before the night was over. But which genetic gem (mistake) on the evolutionary chart would it be? First up to bat was Mr. Tweed Jacket. He cooly sat next to me (while I rested my weary feet) and asked, "can I get you a drink?" I say, "Thanks. I'll take a water." He leans in close and says, "That's lame. They just give you the water. That's not buying you a drink." I explain that I don't drink alcohol. Confused, he says, "Fine. If that's what you what, I'll get you the water but I can get you a drink." I say, "This is no game. I really just want water." He exits then returns with my water...but my song comes on. So, I take a few sips, thank him, and head back out to the dance floor. Later in the evening - batter 2. He tries to slide up behind me, unnoticed, while I'm dancing. "What's your name?" the Miller Light on his breath asks me. "Annie." "Candy?" he asks. "No. Annie." "Candy?" "An-nie." "Oh, Candy." I know it can be difficult to hear in the club but I heard him the first time he introduced himself as Ray (hereafter referred to as the Candy Man.) I shake my head "no." I get real close (now I see his trick) and say "An-nie." "Oh, Annie." (Yes! How hard was that? I didn't say "Antoinette." That, I would understand.) So he continues, "Can I get your number, An-nie?" (We have our winner!) I give him my number. We dance to one more song and I move on.

After the club, I text messaged the Sexual Scorpio to confirm our date for Sunday. He texted me back that he was out of town. The next afternoon when I woke up (yeah, didn't wake up 'til afternoon), I hadn't heard from him so I figured the date was a no-go. I got dressed to spend the day with my girls (part 3 of the bachelorette party). At 3:15 p.m., I got a case of the conscience and decided to text Sexual Scorpio just to make sure he wasn't waiting for me. He texted me back, "I'm sorry babe. I met someone last night and she needs me 2 come over & freak with her."

(The answer was C. You should know to always answer C on a multiple choice test.)

How do you respond to that? (Suggestions?) So I texted, "Alright." A couple hours later, he texted me, "No hard feelings. I just needed some."

I had an earlier debate with some friends about who would play me in my made-for-TV-movie, "Parade of Losers" (to follow the best selling book, which I've had 2 people offer to write). I've decided on Academy Award Winner Jennifer Hudson. I wonder which of America's fine mental and correctional institutions they'll recruit people from to play the men in my life.


Hi, it's Angie back again. We can all now breathe a collective sigh of relief that Annie will not ever be going out with the Sexual Scorpio. His middle name is dirrrrrr-ty, with a couple more rrrrrs than Christina's hit single.

Now I really want everyone to participate in this next little exercise... do it for Annie. She wants to know who would be cast in a movie to play you? Natch, I'm Reese, and Annie is of course the radiant Jennifer Hudson. What about you?


Jamie said...

Candace Cameron, otherwise known as Donna Jo "DJ" Tanner.

Anonymous said...

Cameron Diaz all the way!!!

Except I'm not so rail thin and I'd never date a member of a boy pop band. womp.