Back by popular demand... Antoinette! Annie sent me this email yesterday and I laughed so hard, I had to ask if I could share with you all... and she said yes. So please enjoy!
My weekend went down typical Annie style. I'm gonna need an inner monologue in order to fully relay this story. (Inner monologue in parenthesis.) So cute guy I met at the gas station at 3 a.m. last Sunday? Let's just say I deserved what I got. I've known for years that nothing good happens at the gas station but I thought this time would be different. (Why would this time be different?) So I texted him Wednesday to say, "Hope you had a nice Valentine's Day." (Why haven't you called since Sunday?) He texts me back that he spent the day with his ex because neither of them wanted to be alone on Valentine's Day but it was "nothing serious." ("That's weird"~in a Homestarrunner voice.)
So I ask what he's doing this weekend and he text back "Nothing, why? You want to get it on?" (Whhaaaa?!?) (Red Flag) I text, "No thanx, I had something more low key in mind." He says, "That's cool. I'm mature. I just have a sexual sense of humor because I'm a Scorpio." (I'm appalled because I'm an Aries.) I ask what he likes to do and he says that he likes to "Go out, drink a little bit, smoke a little bit." (I don't drink or smoke but those aren't the worst of vices. Let's fly this Red Flag at half-mast.)
We agree on a Saturday matinee with drinks to follow. He offers to come to my side of town and I suggest the movie theater closest to my house. He says he can't go there because he has a one year ban there because of a fight he got into with some guys on the property. (Red Flag.) So we pick a different theater. I call Friday to confirm our Saturday date and he is surprisingly laid back on the phone...a little too laid back. (Is he high?) I ask, "Are you high?" He says, "Naw, I'm aight." (He's high.) "You're definitely high. I thought when you said you smoked a little bit, you meant cigarettes." (Let's raise that previous Red Flag.)
We confirm the date. He calls me at 8 a.m. on Saturday (let's throw a yellow caution flag--I'm just not a morning person) to tell me that his son is in the hospital and he has to go see him. (Son? I'm outta Red Flags...let's throw a Purple one.) So he asks to call me later to discuss rescheduling. He calls at noon to say he'll be back in town around 4, can we reschedule for 5:30? I agree. He calls at 5 to say he's still at the hospital but he really wants to see me tonight can we go out later. We agree on a double date--me and my cousin with him and his cousin. We talk at 9 to decide where we want to go. He suggests Pure Gold. (A strip club? He's gotta be kidding. I get my Purple Flag ready to throw.) I decline the strip club and he says that he and his cousin are hungry so let's get something to eat...at Hooters. (Throw it!)
I decline "ass-watching" as an appropriate event for a first date and so we settle on a club downtown. We agree to meet at 11 p.m. Me and my cousin arrive at 11:15 and I realize that I don't remember what he looks like. (Should I throw a flag on myself?) So at 11:30, I text him and ask if he's already in the club. At midnight, he texts me back, "I'm in the back of a police car while they search my junk." (What's worse than throwing a flag?) I don't quite know what to say. (Inner monologue speechless as well.) So I text, "So...will you be here soon?" I don't hear from him until the next day when he explains that he was released because it wasn't his car; therefore, not his drugs. But his cousin was arrested and he had to bail him out. (My arm is tired...I'm switching to whistle blowing.)
When I first realized I was the Area Loser Magnet, it made me angry. Then, it made me depressed. (Surely, it was me that was causing this to happen.) Now, I'm just amused. (Arrested on the way to the date? I'm reaching new highs/lows.) I sit back in amazement and wonder how the next guy could possibly top his predecessor. (But they always find a way.) What new entries could I add to Annie's Encyclopedia of Losers?
So we set a second (first?) date for this coming Sunday.
Angie here again... how awesome is this girl? Run, Annie! Run like the wind! Comments anyone?