Thursday, February 22, 2007

"The Mother of All Beauty Pageants"

On Wednesday I received an unusual voicemail. Christina from the CW Network had left me a message -- she had TV opportunity for me!

Apparently the casting director from the Apprentice auditions thought I would be perfect for a new reality show. Since I couldn’t call Christina back right away, I called my sis to chat about what kind of show it might be. We psyched ourselves up – this was it! Finally, the answer to my prayers… I was on my way to becoming a bonafide D-list celebrity! I’d been wondering for a year now what the point of that whole Apprentice extravaganza was... going to L.A. for a week, interviewing with the Donald, etc. When I heard the voicemail, I thought my ship had come in.

A little while later, after I had walked 30 blocks and four avenues to Bible study Starbucks in nervous excitement, I called Christina to get the scoop. She perkily pitched the show to me as the Mother of All Beauty Pageants… a mother/daughter pageant bonding experience.

Naturally, I started choking/laughing… but she continued.

All the daughters were to be 18 and older and for a $100,000 cash prize, the mom/daughter teams would compete against each other in talent, evening gown and…swimwear.

My laughter grew into a semi-hysterical hoot-cackle. I think I said, “Pffff!” but it also could have been “Pshawww!” I can't be sure.

It was the most far-fetched idea I'd ever heard of. Ever. I’d be more likely to be on the Bachelor, and considering my proclivity for dating we all know what a stretch that would be. Frankly, I’d rather be on Beauty and the Geek -- as the geek.

Nevertheless, she continued the sell.

“It’s going to be just like Real Housewives of the O.C.!” she exclaimed. Like liposuction, tennis lessons and boob jobs? I had to level with her.

Sure, Mom and I would make for some side-splitting Must See TV, chock full of mother/daughter bonding/battles that only reality-TV aficionados could appreciate. If it were Survivor or the Amazing Race or even Wheel of Fortune, we'd not only do it, but we’d beat the ever-loving daylights out of any other team who thought they stood a chance.

But a beauty pageant? Just imagine Mom and me on TV, blinded by the glaring stage lights while a line of bunch of rich, prissy, Southern California housewives pranced about confidently in their swimsuits. Fish out of water? Deer in the headlights? Choose your metaphor.

I said, “Sorry, Christina, we are just way too normal for that.” (This is the one and only time in my life that I have claimed our family to be “normal.” It will be the last time.)

And thus, my dreams of super-reality-stardom were crushed yet again. Oh well, stay tuned to the CW in the fall for Crown, the Mother of All Beauty Pageants. Let’s all watch together and try not to die laughing imagining my mom and me making cotton-headed-ninny-muggins out of ourselves.

***Before we hung up, Christina asked me to refer any of my friends who might be interested… so if you are, let me know and I’ll hook you and your mom up. But I do charge commission should you win.

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