Date No. 1 started off all wrong. First, we met up on a Monday night, which meant I had to miss yoga. Then, even though I said I didn’t drink coffee, Dell* was adamant about wanting to meet at a particular Starbucks on the East Side (I live on the West Side.) Then, he was 15 minutes late. I would be remiss if I didn’t inform you that punctuality is one of my most favorite things, and I even mentioned that in my Match profile. Strike 1 for being illiterate. Strike 2 for being late. Nothing I couldn’t overlook though... on to the date!
After taking me to Starbucks despite my protestations, Dell ordered organic vanilla milk – not coffee. If I had to describe his personality, that would about sum it up. VANILLA. And, if we’re maintaining the metaphor, let’s just say I’m more of a rocky road type. But hey, nothing I couldn’t overlook, right? I’ve dated monotonous bores before. Ahem. Let’s call this one a Foul Ball. I can’t very well give someone a strike for liking organic vanilla milk.
Next, Dell proceeded to argue with me about passport requirements for international air travel. Mind you, I work in travel PR and had just written a press release that day on the new requirements for one of my clients who was affected by the changes. But Dell said, “Listen, I've been to the Caribbean 12 times in the past 10 years, so I think I would know.” Apparently he was naïve to the fact that I am always right and it is an egregious error to contest me - plus I really was right! Strike 3. I realize this means he’s out, but I wasn’t actually keeping track of his strikes at this point…so the Vanilla date continued.
Irritated by his effrontery, I maneuvered the conversation toward favorite travel destinations. He asked where I thought he should go next. Being a PR person, I like to plug clients so I mentioned a certain archipelago in the Caribbean that my agency represents. He proceeded to smugly say, “Well I’d need my own personal tour guide.” Nudge nudge, wink wink. I blankly stared at him, mouth slightly agape. Strike 4.
Since travel topics clearly weren't working for us, I steered the conversation to college sports… all guys like sports, right? I told him that I went to UF and how excited I was about the recent national football and basketball titles we’d won. He responded with, “Wow, all four years while you were there?” Now, my mouth was wide open. What kind of real man, recently out of college, doesn’t know who won the NCAA titles for the two most watched sports in the U.S.? I’ve abandoned giving the guy strikes, because he clearly wouldn’t understand the sports imagery.
It just goes to show, no matter how educated or rich you are, you’ve got to have a personality and some interests outside of work. I can not date a wet blanket again. Dell showed an impish grin a total of two times and reminded me a little bit of a Hobbit, albeit a really tall, organic, vanilla milk drinking one. He didn’t crack one joke… at least nothing I considered to be joke.
To cap off the weirdness, as we were leaving, he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. Felt like a Mediterranean suckerfish. Disgusting. I waited until he was around the block and then forcefully wiped of my cheek and did a little heebie-jeebie dance.
Heebie-Jeebie Deduction... -5
UPDATE: Two months later, Dell emailed me asking what I was doing on Friday night. Apparently he wanted to go to dinner. But I couldn’t. I was too busy eating glass, because honestly, it was more fun and less painful than being on a date with him. (Names changed to protect the victims)
Orlando from a Hot Air Balloon
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