Thursday, June 7, 2007

To Date or Not to Date, Part 11

You’ve simply got to do some Match.com browsing yourself when you get a chance, especially if you’re feeling a little down in the dumps. Check out these excerpts from some of my least favorite profiles... I left the grammar/spelling inaccuracies intact for your viewing confusion.

1. Sunday Mornings are for Lovers, Sunday Mornings are for Friends, Sunday Mornings are for Staying in with someone special, SO I'm if your asking what I'm looking for ---- A Lot of Sunday Mornings ! Something about a woman in a summer dress and a great tan, or My White dress shirt and nothing else. So what do you do the rest of the week?
2. Ok this is what I have learned so far about dating: DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be screwed. You had to learn that cheating was wrong? You didn’t already know this? Just checking, you are aware that murder, stealing and lying are wrong, too, right? If they slap you hard, you deserved it. So you get slapped a lot? Is that because you had to learn that cheating on girls was bad? If you don't sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did. Thank you, Captain Obvious.
3. 0nehandsomedevil (Who is not handsome) I see nothing wrong with spreadin’ myself around. Wow, you’re nasty. Check out www.overexagerratedsenseofself.com
4. I’m a prince in a search of my princess who i can kiss and bring her back to life. Ok, Shrek, slow down. Last time I checked there weren’t a lot of dead princesses on Match.com. I will love you until i die and protect you from the cruel world even if i have to give my life. I will fight for you without cease. Do you feel the same? Not at all. Do you think you can spend your life with me? Not in a million years. Do you open minded and accept the differences? Nah. Do you like my appearance? Haha.
5. I have been searching for my longhaired princess for quite some time. I am handsome, quite successful, aware, spiritual, and have a great sense of humor. I Love Animals and tend to have a kind heart. Does my Rapunzel exist? Someone who at times can be content to talk for hours about anything and everything while I brush her hair. Anybody else totally weirded out by this Rapunzel fantasy? Makes me want to shave my head a la Britney Spears. Ack.
6. As I type this, I listen to Michael Buble. It’s just me. I’m in complete darkness. The music encapsulates my soul. I feel romantic and sensual. Remember, he’s alone. I’m thinking of dancing slowly by candlelight, barefoot, with a bottle of Cabernet and of course… you. You’re in a black cocktail dress, me in a black Kenneth Cole suit, French cuffs on the shirt. The shirt is unbuttoned at the top, and we’re just finished an evening of dancing. We’re both a bit tipsy.We’re both feelin’ good. The music continues… “Afraid and shy… I let my chance go by… a chance that you might love me too…”
I’m on the verge of a new adventure, a new life change; I’m being inspired to learn more in life. I’m learning to communicate with my soul. Warning: not self aware. I haven’t spent much of my life learning about me… about who I am as a person…I need someone to share this with. Why do you need someone else to help you learn about your own self? I need someone to go stand with me on the cliff at night and watch the magical glow of the red tide. Maybe this makes me a nerd, but red tide is a disgusting algae problem that kills millions of fish and sea creatures each year. I need someone to share this bottle of wine. I need you in that black cocktail dress. Warning! Warning! Clingy! Needy! I want someone who knows how to dance… and I mean swing. Are you up for this? Gosh no.
7. I want someone that is willing to do anything at any time. Like rob a bank? Eat mud? Conduct impromptu pantomime performances on street corners? Go streaking in the quad?
8. My favorite color is board. Is board a color? I like dark colors and bright colors. So, all colors, then? And let’s not forget board, whether that is bright or dark. When raining I like to cuddle up with a person I don’t have. ??? I have a lot of clothes, yet I hope to design my own line of clothes. ??? History and money making books I like. Yoda? Try a third-grade English book.
9. I am a college graduate who is down to earth and very hip still. So far, so good. I work hard and I am very attractive (stunning.) Cocky. She should be like me or better. I am stunning and she should be also. Outstanding. I am a super star and she should be also. Ooh, what kind of superstar? Ghetto superstar? Jesus Christ Superstar? Rockstar Supernova? Superstar a la Mary Katherine Gallagher? I have two or three cars and she should have about the same also. How do you have two OR three cars? Wouldn’t you know if you had three cars? It’s sort of a definite thing. House and car should be in her package also. Well, I’m out. I would like to have a woman who has more than me for once in my life. I want a woman who can take care of me and looks better than me. Hi, welcome to every single poor loser’s fantasy. Wanted: one gorgeous, wealthy woman to do laundry.
10. The perfect place for me is a food restaurant that is comfy, not too small but not too big. I like food restaurants, too, but I really prefer motor oil restaurants and on occasion swimming pool restaurants. 11. As a general rule of thumb, if you have cried more than twice today, don't respond unless your puppy died. This one’s got a heart of gold.
12. My Religion: I found the god in me. So you think you’re God? Yeah, that’s healthy.
13. FreshDirect is a NYC-only phenomenon and in my opinion can never truly replace the satisfaction of squeezing, smelling and selecting the sweetest melon or pointing out the freshest tuna steak. Confession time: I take my produce seriously, but you should also know that my imagination runs rapid and wild. If you have 1,000 words to describe yourself, do you seriously talk about squeezing melons? There’s so much wrong with that statement.
14. On a date, I tend to like quiet surroundings but with some talking. I’d comment but I wouldn’t want to talk too much.
15. Life is too short to be serious all the time. Yeah, you’re right. I definitely don’t want anything serious. You should also know I am looking for something serious....been there, done that, and now I am looking for my other half. Wait… what? I thought serious was bad?
16. Personal Thought or Quote: I taught I taw a putty kat! You’ve got to be kidding me.
17. I am an outstanding Christian. Meaning: standing outside of the church except for Easter and Christmas. That is not cute.
18. I think my problem is that I like to cuddle too much. I am also looking for snuggle time with that. Get a dog.

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