Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Last Sunday, Apt. 1E decided to have our first-ever Sunday Funday. I'd been craving chicken wings for a couple of weeks, so I suggested we go to Hooters to kick off the fun-tivities. My ex always told me he went there for the delicious wings, and I more or less believed him until Sunday.

Upon arriving at Hooters, we quietly perused the menu, keeping our snarky comments about the orange short-shorts to a minimum, at least at first. When our waitress sauntered over to the table and stared at us vacantly, speaking in a high-pitched, breathy whisper, we still kept our composure. Everybody has bills to pay and far be it from us to judge anyone's choice of employment - but this girl was toe-up from the flo' up. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, it seemed she had been dropped in the middle of Hooters NYC by a tornado, with no idea where how she got there or what she was supposed to be doing. We ordered drinks - water for all and a Diet Pepsi for Kelly. When the Diet Pepsi was flat and nasty, Kelly asked for a new one.

Then, a reality show cast and crew of about ten sketchballs came in and sat right next to us, practically in our laps. Mind you, the entire restaurant was empty except our teeny section. I am not exaggerating when I say their boom mics were in our faces and we would certainly end up on camera had we stayed there. So we politely asked the manager, who had Kelly's new drink in hand, to move us to another table. Irritated, he took us across the restaurant and sat us down. Then he took Kelly's Diet Pepsi back over to the other side of the room from whence we'd just moved and wandered around aimlessly - looking for us, yes, the girls he just begrudgingly relocated. At this point, we were a little irritated with the stupidity, looking at each other incredulously across the table. We watched the manager wander around the other side of the restaurant, going table to table with Kelly's drink. Eventually he "found" us again, but something was still funky about the Diet Pepsi - in fact it might have been the same drink. As the drink debacle was going down, and Kelly was dying of thirst, our waitress began looking "all over" for us as well, and by all over I mean on the ceiling, out the window, on the floor, in her purse…

At that point, all bets were off and the kind and understanding residents of Apt. 1E disappeared in favor of a snarky, sarcastic foursome. As we chortled, I said, "Gals, I think we're an apartment full of…" And Kelly interjected - "Witches!" But she didn't say witches.

"That's okay," I reasoned. "At least I'm the nicest out of all of us." (I never claimed to be humble.)
Then Kelly, who should really be canonized for her generosity and neverending acts of selflessness, said that I was not the nicest in the apartment. St. Kelly said I didn't even come in second, though she crowned herself as No. 1. What could I say to that? Only a simple hand gesture would suffice.

We were in a bit of a hurry to get the check because we were going to see Superbad (which was superinappropriate to watch with kids or parents or friends or anyone really), so we stared our waitress down as she lollygagged around the TV crew. When she finally made it over with our check, she breathily said, "Do you guys, like, think it's like stupid to be in a show about chicken wings?" Four mouths dropped open. "I mean, it's like a documentary, but like, I don't know if it's cool to be in it because it's not like, a real TV show." It was our turn to blankly stare.

After a few more minutes of her philosophical ponderings, we finally got the check and split it evenly four ways, throwing down four credit cards to make it easier on the orange-clad genius.

"Uh, guys, I don't know how to do this, because like, we can only run three cards, not four. So I'm not sure what you want me to do, because we can like only have like three transactions…. like." She blankly stared at us and we blanky stared right back. We had to do quantum physics just to pay the bill because they can't split a check four ways… has anyone out there ever heard of this nonsense? I thought everything at Hooters was supposed to be easy.

When she brought our receipts FINALLY, I just lost it. There were hand-drawn hearts and smiley faces all over it. Vom.

On top of all the stupidity, the wings weren't even that good. I guess that means boys lie - big surprise!

See below for an article I found on the reality show…

Man leads quest to find best N.Y. chicken wing

Filmmaker, eclectic group to end quest in Buffalo at wing festival

ALBANY, N.Y. - A caravan of chicken wing lovers began a trek last weekend across New York in search of the best wings.

N.Y. native Matt Reynolds, a documentary filmmaker, was leading the “Great Chicken Wing Hunt.” He planned to make a film about his findings at the trek's completion.

Reynolds said he got the idea while working as a journalist in Slovakia, where he made it his mission to introduce chicken wings to Europeans.

The eclectic group includes a cameramen, a guitar player and a competitive eater from Rochester nicknamed “Mighty Thor.”

The bunch was planning on making stops in the Adirondacks, Watertown, Syracuse and Rochester.

They will end the tour at the birthplace of the chicken wing — Buffalo — where they plan on attending the National Wing Festival on Labor Day weekend.


Anonymous said...

Just for the record, I did NOT say I was No.1 nicest in the apartment.... but I am in the top 2! :)

Anonymous said...

Vanessa Williams always sang: save the best for last...