Tuesday, September 16, 2008

How to Tell if You Should Start Your Day Over

You get up at 6 a.m. because you can't sleep on Sunday nights

You decide to go to the gym because you're already awake

You try to run on the treadmill but your Achilles tendons burn too much to get any real speed

You forgot your shower shoes; espesh gross considering your current gym is a dump compared to the workout nirvana that is Club H Fitness

Your attempt to take a hot shower is rebuffed by the icy water shooting angrily out of every rickety showerhead

You're wearing the gym's sorry excuse for a towel, more like a washcloth

Back at your locker, you realize you don't have your key

You realize you either lost it in one of the five shower stalls you attempted to extract hot water from, or it's locked in your locker

You retrace your steps looking for the key in the shower area; you look like a creep

You can't find the key, omg where is the key?

You stand - wet, barefooted and washcloth-clad - in the locker room realizing that will have to go into the public lobby to summon help

You leave the locker room, still wet, barefooted and towel-clad, to ask the front desk for a lock cutter

The staff members stare at you like some sort of wet, naked, barefooted creep - which is exactly what you are

They call, without any sense of urgency, for a lock cutter and continue to stare blankly at you

A 4'10" cleaning lady brings the 90-lb. lock cutting tool and thrusts it into your hands, "Good luck!" she says

You go back to your locker, where you attempt to raise the unwieldy lock cutter into the air… of course you chose one of the top lockers

You unsuccessfully try to keep your washcloth tucked protectively about your "business" as you clumsily whack the lock cutter above your head

You resemble a drunk, naked lumberjack

You begin to tear up because you are small and helpess and naked

Barring divine intervention, you accept that you are incapable of cutting metal at 7 a.m. when you are freezing, wet, barefooted and wearing the equivalent of one ply of Bounty

10 minutes later, some lady comes out of the shower and says, "Oh, is this your key? It was in my shower."

You are late to work and this is the story you must share with your boss


Jamie said...

I can't decide if I should laugh or cry at this story! So, I'm doing a kind of pitiful sad-face chuckle that says, "You're such a mess, Ange."

Anonymous said...

Oh man.... that blog you wrote about When to Start Your Day Over had me crying because I was laughing so hard. I was laughing like when you told the story at Carrabba's about the roach in your mom's room. HAHAH! Oh! So funny.
How are you doing?