Monday, September 29, 2008

This Blog Brought to You by the Letters W-T-F

The past week has been a (ludicrous) cram session in what men want. So far, my study has done little more than heap fetid perplexity on an already vast stack of noxious realizations. After a week of heavy pondering, Sunday morning I awoke in a full-fledged tizzy and began to write furiously. Below are my hastily compiled reactions. Proceed with caution – espesh if you are a man.

Based on conversational research conducted this week, it has been brought to my attention that I am nowhere close to being an “ideal” woman. (Not that I ever considered myself ideal… but certainly marriageable and not so unpleasantly close to the bottom of the pile.) The news here is that 89%* of men clandestinely find my “type” revolting. What type is that, you ask? Moderately successful, confident, independent, professional. Surprisingly enough, gents don’t want a job-having, jet-setting, shark-cage diving, cliff-jumping, football-loving bad-a** for a significant other. They’re not impressed by my up-for-any-adventure modus operandi. Someone could have told me that before I went out and became awesome, yet humble.

*The 11% of men who are attracted to my type are either homeless, jobless or in prison.

Yet, and this really sticks in my craw*, these same men that complained about women being too independent in the same breath have the nerve to say that the majority of professional (chicks with corporate jobs) women are gold-diggers. In the mind of many a man, corporate girl = corporate greed.

So, let’s recap, shall we? I can’t make my own money because it might intimidate a man if he makes less than me, and I can’t look to a man to provide money because then I would be a greedy gold-digger. Umm, Catch-22 much?!

I’m also en fuego about the assertion that women in the corporate sector are ill-prepared to be mothers. Apparently because my job takes place at an office, and not in a classroom, I don't give off that ooey-gooey Mommy vibe.

FYI, Mr. Sexist Smarty-Pants, I’m far better equipped to raise a child than many of the mousy types that you find so attractive. Not everyone has the opportunity to feed a 3-month old in the middle of every school night at the ripe age of 12 – but I did – so hush.your.ignorant.mouth while I school you in diaper changing and the wonders of Desitin and Baby Anbesol. Jerk.

Just because I’m not on my knees day and night praying for babies does not mean I won’t make a good mother when the appointed time comes. Guess what, Homeschool? I’ve already got four kids, ages 49, 48, 23 and 15, and they’re my familial focus right now. So you think I’m not a caring, motherly type? I’ve got more Mom skills in my Days of our Lives-quality left eyebrow than you’ll find in your desperate future housewife and my kids will reap the benefits of my unique childhood and a 12-year difference between me and my sis. You don't know me, fool. I shun you and your shoddy hypotheses. Pffft.

Ahem. I hope I’m conveying shock and awe and not any hint of vitriol - teehee. This is not a man-hating rant - hello, I heart men! I am just utterly and wholly dismayed that these are attitudes still harbored by many, many men that I would consider marriageable.

If I have any male readers out there, I would love an explanation.

*no idea what a craw is, but mine is ticked off.


Anonymous said...


PS You are the total package, even if I am your mom.

Unknown said...

Gracious! What happened? Call me so we can talk!!!