Sunday, January 18, 2009

Oh No He Didn't

As you know, I currently reside with a UGA grad, a Florida State grad and a fellow from Boston College. In order to keep the peace on the sports front, I generally don't comment on any of our athletic teams' successes or losses. When Florida mercilessly stomped the daylights out of two of my roommates' teams this season, I remained mum. Days ago, under the cloak of night, the Nole put up a hideous sign outside his door, which happens to be in our public kitchen/dining area. 
Newsflash: this is NOT FSU Seminole Ave. It never was, it never will be. Spit on my grave, why don't you?! 

I first noticed the monstrosity when I tiptoed quietly and considerately up the stairs for work the morning after he tacked it up. I immediately recoiled in disgust and even hissed aloud, "Oh no, that has got to go." I could feel the chunks start to rise in my throat. My inalienable right to freedom from FSU in my own home is being violated. 

Ever wise and levelheaded, I sent FSU grad the following note on Facebook: 
Be warned that I will wallpaper our home in orange and blue if you do not remove that hideous sign 
from the kitchen. It will be my only recourse. xoxo.

See how nice that was? Later that night, I verbally confirmed receipt of the message. 
"Did you get my Facebook message?" I said.
"Yep." Said he.
"That sign has to go." Said I. 
"It was a gift." Said he. 
"It has to go." Said I. 

I thought in the spirit of getting along, he'd surely take it down the next day and relegate it to the recesses of his room, where it belonged. Perhaps he was just feeling sad that his team never wins anything, and thus wanted to parade his new present for all to see - temporarily. At any rate, I expected it to be taken down in relatively short order.

As sure as I bleed orange and blue that atrocity is still in my kitchen, falsely heralding allegiance to a subpar football program. How can I bring friends over with this sort of unbecoming decor plastered uncouthly above? It's like having a filthy house inhabited by garnet and gold rodents, it really is.  
 
If FSU grad had gone to a better school, he'd have learned not to mess around with me as it relates to my esteemed and victorious alma mater. Now he must pay. 

Some possible options*: 
1. Wallpaper the kitchen in orange and blue, as promised
2. Paint IF YOU'RE NOT A GATOR, YOU MUST BE GATOR BAIT on the wall
3. Take the sign. Plead innocence if he ever notices it's missing. (My roomies don't read my blog...)
4. Supersize the photo of Tim Tebow and me and tack it next to the sign
5. Change my ringtone to the Gator fight song and have people call me over and over while he's around
6. Get a life-size cutout of Urban Meyer and ensure it greets him upon waking every morning

What do you think, readers? I know there are a few Gators out there that could really help with this... 

*If you're not a Gator, you probably don't care what I do to the kitchen, so for the sake of this exercise, please imagine yourself in this situation with your school and your big NCAA rival. 


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What about a FAT HEAD. Have you head of those?
Love ya
Jordan